These Freshman are Making My Kidneys Bleed...

   
      Sharpen your pencils and refill the condom drawers kiddies, it's back to school time! Hopefully everyones summer was as alochol infused and adventurous as mine. Due to censorship laws I wouldn't be able to even discuss half of the shit I did while on break - which for my reputations sake is probably a good thing - so I'll just leave that up to the perversions of your imagination. Moving on... With a new school year starting, thousands of freshman flock to campus in hopes of drinking their first jager bomb, losing their virginities in a 7 X 5 dorm room stall, and leaving college with a shred of dignity and a degree. With that being said I thought I would take this time to write an advisory post informing all the little shithead newcomers of some "helpful" tips and tricks to make their transition into the big leagues a little easier. (I'm such a sweet little son of a bitch, right?).

        For starters: Let's not get ahead of ourselves tots. Alot of you start the school year out forgetting you are on the bottom of the damn food chain, smallest fish in the biggest of ponds, most insignificant little blips on the social scene radar. Get too big for those britches and the upperclassmen will gladly take the time to replace them with diapers filled with rabid squirrels.

      And more importantly... did you not consult ANYONE before starting school about proper dress code? Clearly Hollister, Aeropastle, American Eagle, Rue 21, or for fuck's sake Kmart are no longer acceptable. And god forbid you match it up with a fucking pooka shell necklace. There is a two week grace period. Burn your high school wardrobe and replace it with something a little more mature. I'd hate to have to burn them for you and replace your closet with bags of my vomit. Also... ditch the lanyard dude! No one -- not in any imaginable universe -- will EVER think that wearing a string around your neck, with whatever piece of childish fuckery you so idiotically decide to attatch to the end, will be socially acceptable - are you trying to remain flacid forever?

      For those of you who deem yourselves to be "innovators" or "trend starters" ... just stop now. No one will pay attention to anything you think is cool. Save your ideas for your nightly phone call with your mother. We know you still breast feed off of her or else you wouldn't be riding your bicycle from 3rd grade across campus. And for the love of god do NOT choose now to be the time you think you can reinvent yourself. Remove the oversized headphones from around your ears, take off the gold chain, and tie your damn shoes. You are no thug, son. We all know you went to catholic school and your father drives a porsche. You're literally fooling no one with this fasade of being "hard-up, hungry, and raised on The Skreets." Get off it already and take a Xanax like the rest of the adults here.

Oi Vay! I could discuss this flawed era in a young adult's life for hours, but unfortunately (and to no ones surprise surely) I am late for class.

You stay classy San Diego... AND YOU STAY OUT OF MY WAY TINY TOTS!

That Man is NOT Who She Says He Is... (give it a minute..)

OK so I am not sure what time warp our country has entered in the past year or two, but as of late it has become disgustingly apparent that this androgynous bullshit trend isn't going anywhere. For you troglodytes out there who don't know what androgyny is: it is basically being a man and a woman simultaneously just for fuck's sake. You know you have seen them, they are seemingly EVERYWHERE. I blame that gender-confused serial killer Barbie you idiots call a pop star "Lady Gaga." I mean, she does good by telling everyone its cool to be yourself and what not, but that doesn't mean go ham on your genitals and stuff them into a coin purse between your skinny jeans so you can appear to be a fucking robot to society. Enough already. Sorry your mother fed you her placenta after birthing you out her crusty lady hole. Get a journal and take out your angst and stop parading around as an eye sore to the publicly gender-confirmed.

The worst part is, after research [because all good writers do their research fools] I found that people actually $PAY$ these soulless shells of a human body a hefty sum of money to model for them. Like, making them.... famous... I am shuttering at the thought. Modeling agencies, actually hiring these assholes to stand there and just confuse everyone. Now don't confuse this with transgender, they are on a whole 'notha level of fuckery. These are people that are simply trying to pull off a "look." In my opinion your pulling of an old fashioned game of Guess Who?!

As much as I could spend on this, I actually have productive things still to do today, like ceiling tiles in the library and watch water boil. So in parting I will leave you with a little game you can play in your spare time, Guess the Gender [link at bottom], and don't ask me for the answers. I sure don't have 'em. And I hiiighly doubt Jesus does either these days. So good luck to you. Peace and shit.

http://mycouturemoda.blogspot.com/2011/01/androgynous-style-trend-2011-by-kittima.html

^^ Google can be scary, can't it now... ^^

Ahhh Shit Yeah! The Recent College Shenanigans Has Gone Mobile!

Finally discovered and App for my iPhone that allows me to blog on the go.... So expect more frequent cynicism from your favorite college blogger. Now unfortunately I don't have time to post anything too interesting here tonight... I'm too busy trying to look as least douchey as possible while sitting alone at a restaurant while waiting for friends. Wish me luck!

Shit Girls Say: College Bar Edition

So in recent weeks of trolling perusing the bars like I do so awesomely in my free time, I have had the pleasure of overhearing some pretty outrageously warped shit come out of the mouths of prima donna young women acrosst the state. So I thought I would dedicate this blog in their honor (or dishonor if we are being technical). So read the quotes below, my responses - which I unfortunately kept to myself - are regirgitated here [inside brackets like this]. Enjoy shitheads!

"Omg he's wearing an American Eagle shirt... he's either gay, poor, or still in high school. Let's get out of here!"

[you, sweet niave little bitch, are about as shallow as the gap between your teeth. Grow up or go home]

"Ew. Her highlights were SO done from a box she bought at Walgreens this morning."

[yeah... because YOUR hair doesn't look like you vomit orange juice and seaweed on your hair every morning.]

"I just don't understand why he won't talk to me?! What did I do wrong??"

[your breasts are small... that's a start, and well, me just being chauvinist. But to get to the root of the problem... try to stalk him less, you make the crime look like a sport]

"OMG BECCA!! THE WOP IS ON LETS DANCE!!!

[yeeeeeah... let's not. While watching you swing your arms like an angry giraffe swings its neck isn't the most entertaining thing, I'd rather swallow a brillow pad than watch you trip over your clown feet while trying to "dance" to a youtube song. Seek help here: http://adamjameson.blogspot.com/2011/05/dance-floor-is-not-your-therapist.html]

"EW, I think I just saw my lit professor at the side bar... He's probably a rapist"

[your ignorance seems to know no bounds... while I'm sure you are just paranoid because you were probably molested by your uncle - which would explain all the eyeliner. This doesn't justify you accusing every older man as a rapist you sloot.]

"If there's cover I am SO not going in this bar......... oh hey there's Mark!! HEY MARK! ...oh look I just found 5 dollars.. lets go in!"

[your parents must be so proud at how fiscally responsible your vagina isn't..]

"He wouldn't even pay for my vodka soda... he's totally gay.."

[yes I am SURE that's why he didn't pay for you drink... it couldn't possibly be that you look like an even fatter Rosie O'Donell with a botched nose job.]

aaaaand I digress... have a good week dick lickers!