Sharpen your pencils and refill the condom drawers kiddies, it's back to school time! Hopefully everyones summer was as alochol infused and adventurous as mine. Due to censorship laws I wouldn't be able to even discuss half of the shit I did while on break - which for my reputations sake is probably a good thing - so I'll just leave that up to the perversions of your imagination. Moving on... With a new school year starting, thousands of freshman flock to campus in hopes of drinking their first jager bomb, losing their virginities in a 7 X 5 dorm room stall, and leaving college with a shred of dignity and a degree. With that being said I thought I would take this time to write an advisory post informing all the little shithead newcomers of some "helpful" tips and tricks to make their transition into the big leagues a little easier. (I'm such a sweet little son of a bitch, right?).
For starters: Let's not get ahead of ourselves tots. Alot of you start the school year out forgetting you are on the bottom of the damn food chain, smallest fish in the biggest of ponds, most insignificant little blips on the social scene radar. Get too big for those britches and the upperclassmen will gladly take the time to replace them with diapers filled with rabid squirrels.
And more importantly... did you not consult ANYONE before starting school about proper dress code? Clearly Hollister, Aeropastle, American Eagle, Rue 21, or for fuck's sake Kmart are no longer acceptable. And god forbid you match it up with a fucking pooka shell necklace. There is a two week grace period. Burn your high school wardrobe and replace it with something a little more mature. I'd hate to have to burn them for you and replace your closet with bags of my vomit. Also... ditch the lanyard dude! No one -- not in any imaginable universe -- will EVER think that wearing a string around your neck, with whatever piece of childish fuckery you so idiotically decide to attatch to the end, will be socially acceptable - are you trying to remain flacid forever?
For those of you who deem yourselves to be "innovators" or "trend starters" ... just stop now. No one will pay attention to anything you think is cool. Save your ideas for your nightly phone call with your mother. We know you still breast feed off of her or else you wouldn't be riding your bicycle from 3rd grade across campus. And for the love of god do NOT choose now to be the time you think you can reinvent yourself. Remove the oversized headphones from around your ears, take off the gold chain, and tie your damn shoes. You are no thug, son. We all know you went to catholic school and your father drives a porsche. You're literally fooling no one with this fasade of being "hard-up, hungry, and raised on The Skreets." Get off it already and take a Xanax like the rest of the adults here.
Oi Vay! I could discuss this flawed era in a young adult's life for hours, but unfortunately (and to no ones surprise surely) I am late for class.
You stay classy San Diego... AND YOU STAY OUT OF MY WAY TINY TOTS!
